VOL. CXVIII. No. 40,353

© 2018 ACME News Corporation

PORT CITY, THURSDAY, MARCH 1st, 2018

GANGSTERS GONE MISSING

MYSTERIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES LEAD TO THE DISAPPEARANCE OF SEVERAL MEMBERS OF THE DEVITTO CRIME FAMILY. POLICE SUSPECT RETALIATION FROM LOCAL RACKET VICTIMS. TWO GANGSTERS FOUND DEAD IN PC RIVER

Mafia Boss Leo DeVitto

SAM “HOLLYWOOD” BARONE SIGHTED DOWNTOWN

Port City Police Department is looking into reports that the infamous Sam “Hollywood” Barone was spotted near Linda’s Bar and Grill, located at 245 Carson Road in Downtown PC, this past week.  Police are on the hunt to flush out the fugitive mobster. 

   Barone has evaded arrest for over 14 years, and is wanted for a long string of crimes including: dozens of murders, racketeering, extortion, assault, kidnap-pings, and unpaid parking tickets. 

    Police suspect that Barone was called into town by Head Mafioso Leo DeVitto, in order to oversee the enforcement of non-paying rackets. This development comes after police discovered the bodies of several business owners whom reportedly failed to comply with demands set by DeVitto and his minions.
    Known for his ruthlessness, Barone also has a reputation as a womanizing playboy with a love of flashy cars, expensive wine, and vintage TV memo-rabilia.  
      Barone was the financier behind Shut the Trunk Up, a 2009 comedy about two kidnapping victims who fall in love in the trunk of a car on their way to being executed by their attackers. The film was a commercial and critical flop; but the experience gave Barone his nickname “Hollywood”. Critics demolished the picture, calling it “one of the dumbest things to ever appear on screen”. That critic later recanted his article.

Mafia Boss Leo DeVitto at the 2012 Casino Royale convention in Las Vegas, NV

ACME Beds - A Good Night Sleep Will Keep Her Smiling

Gangsters, mafia soldiers, and several members of the Port City Police Department are scouring the streets in search of the culprit(s) responsible for the disappearance and possible execution of several members of the DeVitto crime family. Police are hoping to locate and contact the parties responsible for these disappearances before the mafia does for obvious fear of retaliation. The disappearances are most likely connected with the execution-style murders of gangsters Jimmy Marcone and the gangster known as “Momo”. Both gangsters were found dead in the PC river this afternoon, with gunshot wounds to the head. Marcone’s body in particular was severely maimed. He was found with two additional gunshot wounds, along with 9mm bullets lodged in his knee-caps.  

GANGSTERS 
FOUND DEAD
IN PC RIVER

The bodies of two gangsters, Jimmy Marcone and a mobster strictly known as “Momo”, were found floating in the Port City river this afternoon. They are both known to be mafia foot soldiers for the infamous ‘DeVitto’ Crime Family. The bodies were covered in unmarked black tarps and wrapped in heavy chains. “Both gangsters died of gunshot wounds to the head”, said detective Robert Flatt, who had to run to the bathroom during the interview. “Please don’t write this down!” he exclaimed as he ran frantically. 
   The bodies were discovered by Ruth Albertino (75), who was out for an afternoon jog with her dog, “I was running along the river with my pup, Dale — when suddenly I heard this clunking sound coming from the pier. I bent over to see what all the fuss was about and then I saw it! Two ducklings were doing sex to each other on an old piece of cardboard! I took out my phone to ‘snap it’ when suddenly I see these two black body bags floating in the water! I immediately called my son, who’s best friend is a police officer. He‘s gay, but my son don’t seem to mind it.” 
   This discovery will surely strike a serious blow to morale for any mobster working under the protection of the notoriously brutal crime boss, Leo DeVitto. Mr. DeVitto could not be reached for comments, but a source close to the mobster said, “Who are you? What are you doing in my house?” 
   Both of the deceased mobsters were working as racketeers for the DeVitto crime family. The two had reportedly gone missing in February. Police suspect foul play. 

American Cowboy Joe - Real American Beer

American Cowboy Joe - the #1 American Beer for the #1 American Cowboy. Get a refreshing, ice-cold bottle of American Cowboy Joe at your local bar or retailer. It’s a fact - Americans drink American Cowboy Joe. Even Immigrants love Cowboy Joe. a study shows that immigrants who drink Cowboy Joe have a greater chance of earning a US citienship, growing a beard and own their own cabbage farm. Commies and pinkos may drink that other crap, but you’re an American... Drink American!  

The Woman In Green

www.portcitytimes.com  |  Brought to you by the good folks at ACME CORP